Saturday, April 20, 2013
Official: Stop, stop that swing
Tiger (after abruptly stopping his golf swing): What’s wrong? Are we being attacked?
Official: You’re using the wrong club.
Tiger: I always use a 5 iron from this position on this hole.
Official: If you use that club you will be in violation of the golf club utilization guidelines as established by the USGA under the Obama Administration’s Affordable Golf Act. According to the guidelines you must use a 3 iron.
Tiger: 3 iron? I’ll end up in the next county.
Official: There is no room for argument or discussion. These guidelines have been determined by the highest and most learned authorities, including golfers from the PGA, LPGA, USGA, as well as members of Congress and the Administration. Furthermore, the guidelines have been adopted into our charter and all members must be in compliance, 100%, no exceptions.
Tiger: Surely there is some room for variation in skill. After all, golf is a game of judgment. You don’t truly expect me to play the same as a 70 y-o woman?
Official (shaking his head): How long have you had this prejudice against 70 y-o women?. Do you have something against 70 y-o women playing golf? Perhaps you think they belong in a wheelchair in some nursing home. They have as much right to be playing as you, maybe more.
Tiger: I did not mean to disparage old ladies…
Official: Old? Listen to me. I’m 72 and I certainly don’t consider myself old. You will conform to the golfing protocols as established under the Obamagolf program, which, I don’t need to remind you, is the law of the land, or you will find yourself playing miniature golf for nickels. Do I make myself clear?
Tiger: (pulling out his 3 iron) Yes sir.