Saturday, March 3, 2012


Medical Olympics

The Summer Olympic Games will be upon us before too long and, in an effort to expand the Olympics’ appeal to a broader audience several new events are to be added. These events will test the participant’s skill and acumen in a series of endeavors that require years of rigorous training, a thorough knowledge of the proposed task and more than a little natural talent. These are the Medical Olympics, and they will soon be upon us. Below is a partial list of the proposed event schedule, subject to change.

Cholecystectomy: Surgeons compete to remove the gallbladder as quickly and efficiently as possible. Contestants will be timed and the fastest cumulative time score will be declared the victor. Penalty minutes will be added to the final time for puncture of the gallbladder during the procedure, loss of gallstones into the patient’s peritoneal cavity and excessive bleeding. A style score as determined by the panel of judges will also be factored in to the final time score. Transection of the Common Bile Duct or patient demise will be cause for disqualification.

Fractured Hip Pinning: Geared towards Orthopedic specialists, this event will score the participants on speed of surgery as well as establishment of proper hip alignment. Excessive bleeding or pulmonary embolus will add penalty minutes to the final time score. Pt. demise or refracture of the hip will be cause for disqualification. World’s Record: 3:39.42

Coronary Artery Bypass Graft: Cardiovascular Surgeons will be required to perform four vessel bypass. Contestants will be timed, with penalty minutes added for excessive bleeding, excessive time on pump or graft occlusion. Myocardial infarction, failure to get off pump or patient demise will result in disqualification. World’s Record: 59:12.30

TURP: Urologists will perform traditional Transurethral Resection of Prostate. Weight of prostatic tissue removed will determine the winner. Excessive bleeding will result in penalties. 300 gms

Thyroidectomy: Head and Neck surgeons will be asked to perform a thyroid lobectomy. Speed of surgery will determine the winner. Removal of parathyroid tissue and blood loss of more than 5cc will result in penalties. Injury to the recurrent laryngeal nerve will result in disqualification. World’s Record: 12:11.00

Conjoined Twin Separation: A team event that will require the separation of twins conjoined at the abdomen. Scores will be judged on an individual basis with points awarded for successful completion of the surgery with two living siblings. This marathon event is open to surgeons, nurses, pediatricians and other specialists. Scores will be based on technical merit, degree of difficulty and surgical style. Points will be deducted if one or both of the twins suffers serious complication or death. World’s Record 978 points out of a possible 1000 with 0 penalty points.

Surgical Decathlon: This grueling ten operation event is open to any surgeon or qualified health care professional. Over a two day period the contestant will be required to perform ten different operations on ten different patients. No sleep will be allowed and only two bathroom breaks. Oral intake will be limited to coffee, Coke, Twinkies, Potato chips and donuts. The required operations shall include: Right colon resection, Open lung biopsy, Repair of Inguinal Hernia with mesh, Lumbar Laminectomy, Total Knee Arthroplasty, Repair of Popliteal Artery due to traumatic injury, Hemorrhoidectomy, Cataract Removal with Lens Implant, Tonsillectomy and the grueling Redo Exploratory Laparotomy for Bowel Obstruction in a patient who has had 5 previous abdominal surgeries. The contestants will accumulate points for each surgery performed with a maximum of 1,000 points for each leg of the contest. Points will be deducted for major complications such as bleeding, fistula, neurologic deficits, blindness, incontinence, etc. World’s Record 9678 points out of a possible 10,000.

Judges for each event will be peers in the specialty area of competition, as well as malpractice attorneys, nursing personnel and hospital administrators. Each event will be open to medical specialists, acupuncturists, voodoo high priests and priestesses, and witch doctors. The United States team will be selected after trials are held at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, MD.