Saturday, August 28, 2010

Genius Phones

F. N. Stein and IBS Computing announced today that they have completed design and construction of the next generation of smart phones. The new ultra portable phones are completely implantable, combining the latest in biocompatible materials with the most powerful nanotechnology ever developed.

“This new technology far exceeds the technology offered by the existing I- Phone or Android systems. The Q Phone, as it is called, comes in two parts which are implanted under the skin of the user, a receiver implanted in front of the ear and a transmitter implanted beneath the buccal mucosa within the mouth,” stated Dr. Stein, CEO of F.N. Stein.

He went on to add that the convenience and power of these phones will bring new meaning to the term “smart” phone.

“If the existing technology is called smart, these will have to be dubbed genius”, Dr. Stein gushed. “It will no longer be necessary to carry your phone in your pocket or on your belt and you can get rid of those ugly Bluetooth ear pieces once and for all.”

Dr. Stein went on to explain that the new phone automatically integrates with signals from your brain to dial a contact in a nanosecond. Conversations are completely private as the transmitter can send a clear signal even if it is only the faintest whisper. Incoming calls are audible only to the receiver and text messages are transmitted directly to the cerebral cortex. It will no longer be necessary to fumble with your phone or push buttons or “swipe” icons back and forth. The Q Phone is 100% intuitive and functions are executed with only a quick thought.

“The Q Phone goes far beyond “hands free”, Dr. Stein proclaimed. “It’s almost speech free. The controversial ‘driving while texting’ debate will become ancient history as these phones free the driver to concentrate on the road, even while sending out and receiving messages with just a thought.”

There are already hundreds of thousands of useful and unique “apps” for the Q Phone. Besides the obvious GPS or reading apps, the new technology expands the possibilities, making this phone truly worthy of the name “genius”.

Expected to be among the more popular applications is the new Date Buddy. This completely free app will be your coach during those trying moments when you are trying to make time with that hot babe at work. Instead of the usual fumbling for the right words, the Date Buddy will automatically monitor the conversation and transmit witty sayings to the subscriber, guaranteeing that the target will be swept away by the users dashing and debonair manner.

For the user expecting to appear on “Jeopardy” the Q Phone has instant access to the entire Internet, discreetly and secretly. The Wikipedia app can bring the entire online encyclopedia to the tip of your tongue instantly guaranteeing that even the dullest user will appear intelligent and sophisticated.

“We’re expecting to be able to release these implantable phones before the second quarter of 2011. We’re still working out a few bugs with the implant technology. Right now it requires a visit to the doctor to have the devices properly implanted. We’re hoping that a self implantation kit will be feasible before the final version is released”, Dr. Stein reported.

There was no immediate comment from representatives of Google, makers of the Android platform; however, Steve Jobs was quoted as saying “This implantable phone is pirated from technology developed by Apple. The IPhone 5 was slated to be such a device. We intend to file a patent infringement suit in Superior Court next week.”

Dr. Stein laughed off Mr. Job’s comments, saying that he had been working on this sort of device for decades.

More information is available at

We at “Heard in the OR” will keep you posted as this story develops.