Friday, October 9, 2009

Global Warming

New Data on Global Warming

An announcement issued today from the Environmental Protection Agency warned of a sudden spike in global warming. This phenomenon has been followed since January of this year. Intense research by the EPA in conjunction with the environmental studies dept at Wassa Matta U. has traced the source of this CO2 spike to Washington DC.
Apparently, increased emissions of carbon dioxide have been measured in the areas around the District of Columbia, southern Maryland and northern Virginia. The economic crisis, coupled with the US Congress’ attempts to reform health care along with cap and trade have led to unprecedented CO2 release from members of Congress and the Executive Branch. The excessive CO2 emissions have also coincided with a three hundred percent increase in hot air emanating from this region of the country.
An executive order was immediately issued from the Obama administration aimed at attacking this environmental hazard at its source. Starting November 1, 2009 there will be strict controls instituted to curb this CO2 release. The order states that Democrats will only be allowed to exhale on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Republicans will have exhalation rights on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Sundays have been deemed a day of rest and no exhalation will be allowed by members of congress from either party on this day.
An unnamed White House spokesman issued this statement, “The President realizes that this is a drastic step to take. However, the EPA has declared a state of emergency. There estimates are that these new regulations will not only slow the growth of global warming, but actually may allow the planet to cool by several degrees.” When questioned about the Executive Branch reducing its own release of greenhouse gasses the spokesman replied that steps had already been taken in this area. He reported “Although the President firmly believes that CO2 emissions from the Executive Branch have been within appropriate limits he still wants to show that he is doing all that he can. Consequently, he has taken steps to eliminate all carbon dioxide and hot air emissions from the Vice President.”
The newly released order was met with cheers from Wall Street where the Dow Jones immediately rose over 350 points. There was also loud applause heard in northern Alaska where large numbers of polar bears had gathered.
Reaction from Congress was swift. Both Democrats and Republicans condemned the order, calling it an end run around the constitution. A few thoughtful senators, however, stated that it was a wise decision and that they would make every effort to comply. They even went farther, stating that if the newly imposed regulations were effective they would consider drafting legislation that would apply to the many cable news and talk radio sources of excessive CO2 release. FOX News reacted by calling it a violation of the First Amendment. Stay tuned.