Elections come and go and every year it’s the same thing: a dozen or so men and women overwhelmed with their own sense of self importance vie for a spot on the ballot and then two or three square off in the election, hurling mud, false accusations and touting their own spurious virtues as they attempt to win our votes and “earn” a trip to Washington DC (or Austin, Albany or any of the other state capitols).
It’s time for a change. The election process in its present form is cumbersome, expensive and extremely annoying. It’s time to take a page from those people who know what the American people want and who know how to deliver it. It’s time for “Project Run-Off”.
Anyone who’s anyone knows that Gretchen recently stole the prize that Mondo deserved on “Project Runway”. Such are the vagaries of reality TV. But, the processes utilized by TV shows such as American Idol, Project Runway, Dancing with the Stars, among others lend themselves very well to our electoral system. After all, on most such programs a group of 10-15 contestants, most of which have had to demonstrate some prior qualification, compete week after week hoping to win the grand prize, some sort of fortune and fame. The process and result is similar to an election campaign, only a bit more entertaining and far more civilized.
So, starting with the 2012 Presidential campaign, which I’m sure will kick off the moment all the returns are in from the November 2nd election, all presidential wannabees will have to go through a grueling audition process, be selected by our panel of judges to go to the Elimination Round, scheduled to be held in Branson, MO in January 2011 and then be selected as one of the final fourteen candidates to compete each week on national television, starting during the sweeps month of May, with the finale in November 2012. In order to be truly fair and balanced, all networks will be given the option of picking up the broadcast.
Each week, the panel of judges will provide commentary and give their score for each contestant, but viewers also will vote, with eliminations based on a combined score, a la “Dancing with the Stars”. The panel of judges will consist of former president Bill Clinton, certainly qualified based on his past experience, former Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss, a woman well versed in intimate interaction with the rich and powerful, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a man averse to everything American, but one that will surely provide even handed commentary and, finally, George, a bank teller from Piscatawy, New Jersey, selected to keep the panel connected to the common man.
Producer James Calhoun comments, “We want to flesh out the contestants. One week they may be asked to create a lavish state dinner for powerful heads of state, but with a budget of only $200, shopping limited to what’s on the shelves at the Pennsylvania Avenue Convenience Mart and preparation limited to two hours, utilizing only a single medium sized sauce pan and a hot plate. The next week they may be required to plan and carry out a military operation in Somalia, with a budget of only $1000, weapons limited to an arsenal of water pistols. The competition will test not only the resourcefulness, but also the character of the contestant.”
Director Clint Westwood added, “My favorite week will be ‘temptation week; each of our contestants will face some form of temptation, one that would not be uncommon to our president, but also selected based on the precompetition questionnaire each contestant will have filled out. It could be a White House intern offering sexual favors, a Russian spy with a sack full of money, a guest role on CSI or any of several others, some more unsavory than others. The goal is to demonstrate any character flaws before the contestant assumes the responsibilities of Commander in Chief, with his finger on that proverbial button.”
The competition will continue until there are only two contestants remaining. The final pair will live together in a one bedroom apartment for six weeks, cook for each other and have to perform a variety of tasks, sometimes working together, sometimes competing, all under the watchful eye of our judges and the our viewing audience. At the end of this period each will address the combined Senate and House of Representatives, laying out a program designed to face the challenges our nation faces today. They will then receive scores from our judges on creativity, originality and probable effectiveness. Viewers will then have twenty four hours to cast their votes, either by phone, texting or online, with each individual allowed one vote through each channel. The votes will be tallied by the accounting firm of Hood, Wink and Swindle and the results announced on the results show the following night.
We truly believe that “Project Run-Off” will make the election process more civilized, fairer and provide a far clearer image of our future leader. And, we will all be spared those boring, patronizing, insulting political ads that are a blight on our airways, stealing valuable airtime from truly important programs, such as “The Jerry Springer Show” and “Oprah”.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Anti-Gravity
With election day right around the corner it’s time to start thinking about the 2012 campaign year. The usual run-up to the presidential election will feature the usual mundane ramblings by interchangeable Republicans and Democrats about taxes, jobs and the weaknesses and corruption of the opposing candidate. It’s time for a new party, one with a bold vision that looks to the future with imagination and a plan that will lift the people to previously unknown heights.
In this spirit the formation of the Anti-Gravity Party is now official. It’s time to look at some of the antiquated laws that hold all the world hostage to ideas that have grown old and stale. The Law of Gravity has been on the books for over three hundred years, ever since it was penned by Sir Isaac Newton. This law, brought into existence by only one man and never voted upon by a proper representative government, holds us down and limits the potential for growth by its very restrictive nature.
If the Law of Gravity were repealed just think of the endless possibilities. Currently, almost all our activities are limited to those areas close to our planet’s surface. Most construction is merely on the ground or just beneath. If gravity were eliminated, however, all the sky above us would be opened for the expansion of the human population. Food shortages would disappear as the burgeoning population moved to the sky, opening up precious land to agriculture. Energy shortages would become a not so fond memory as a world without gravity would allow for unrestricted mobility.
Of course, the elderly among us would be grateful for the potential health benefits. Bodies would no longer be subject to years of pummeling by the unrelenting force of gravity. The “settling” of so many of our body parts that accompanies the aging process, all mediated by gravity’s undiscriminating brutality, would be eliminated. It’s true that some Plastic Surgeons would see a loss of revenue as many of their procedures that were geared towards counteracting gravity’s long term effects would become mere footnotes in history of surgery textbooks.
So, it’s time to say “Down with Gravity, Up with True Freedom”, the Anti-Gravity campaign slogan. In the coming weeks more details about the Anti-Gravity Party will become available. Support is needed from everyone that is unhappy with the status quo. Donations as small as 25 cents will go a long way towards freeing humanity from the shackles imposed by the antiquated Law of Gravity. And, if this campaign proves a success other outdated precepts can be addressed. In particular, the Laws of Friction should bear some scrutiny, because it is clear that there is far too much friction in our world.
In this spirit the formation of the Anti-Gravity Party is now official. It’s time to look at some of the antiquated laws that hold all the world hostage to ideas that have grown old and stale. The Law of Gravity has been on the books for over three hundred years, ever since it was penned by Sir Isaac Newton. This law, brought into existence by only one man and never voted upon by a proper representative government, holds us down and limits the potential for growth by its very restrictive nature.
If the Law of Gravity were repealed just think of the endless possibilities. Currently, almost all our activities are limited to those areas close to our planet’s surface. Most construction is merely on the ground or just beneath. If gravity were eliminated, however, all the sky above us would be opened for the expansion of the human population. Food shortages would disappear as the burgeoning population moved to the sky, opening up precious land to agriculture. Energy shortages would become a not so fond memory as a world without gravity would allow for unrestricted mobility.
Of course, the elderly among us would be grateful for the potential health benefits. Bodies would no longer be subject to years of pummeling by the unrelenting force of gravity. The “settling” of so many of our body parts that accompanies the aging process, all mediated by gravity’s undiscriminating brutality, would be eliminated. It’s true that some Plastic Surgeons would see a loss of revenue as many of their procedures that were geared towards counteracting gravity’s long term effects would become mere footnotes in history of surgery textbooks.
So, it’s time to say “Down with Gravity, Up with True Freedom”, the Anti-Gravity campaign slogan. In the coming weeks more details about the Anti-Gravity Party will become available. Support is needed from everyone that is unhappy with the status quo. Donations as small as 25 cents will go a long way towards freeing humanity from the shackles imposed by the antiquated Law of Gravity. And, if this campaign proves a success other outdated precepts can be addressed. In particular, the Laws of Friction should bear some scrutiny, because it is clear that there is far too much friction in our world.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Fearfully and Wonderfully
Psalm 139 declares that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Over more than twenty five years spent caring for a wide variety of sick and injured bodies I have come to agree with the profound truth of this statement. The human body is constructed in a remarkable way that keeps it running during the most trying situations.
From the top of our heads to the soles of our feet our bodies are constructed to withstand extremes of temperature, assaults by invading organisms, physical and mental challenges and to perform with uncanny accuracy under the most arduous and taxing conditions.
So, let us start with the bottom of our feet. The plantar aspect or soles of our feet are a thick layer of skin and fascia perfectly suited for the stress and strain of upright walking. All the trumpeting of modern technological advances in athletic shoe design has not yielded any product that can claim to be superior to our feet. Indeed, recent research suggests that running barefoot or with a flat shoe with minimal padding is far superior to the thick soled, complicated athletic shoes that probably create more stressors for our feet than they prevent. It seems that Hobbits had it right.
Our bodies are maintained at a near constant temperature, 98.6 F or 37.5 C. We are equipped with very efficient heaters and coolers to keep us in the appropriated narrow range. If our body temperature starts to rise, be it secondary to a hot environment, physical exertion or some other factor we will sweat (or perspire if you are a lady). The moisture can cool directly, but the greatest cooling is a result of evaporation from our skin. External adjuncts, such as fans speed the process. Rapid breathing also can contribute to elimination of heat via the lungs. Of course this is carried to an extreme in dogs, who pant to cool themselves.
Conversely, our body is constantly producing heat. Routine, but essential metabolic processes all generate heat. In a cold environment this metabolism speeds up and more heat is generated, often manifested by shivering. Similarly, in the course of many illnesses a patient develops a fever. In the most extreme circumstances an ill patient will develop uncontrollable shaking called “rigors”. Such shaking is the result of rapid muscle contractions designed to generate heat and rapidly raise body temperature. In such situations the “thermostat” is turned up. Body temperature rises from the normal 98.6 to 101 or 103 or even higher. During the rising phase the patient complains that he feels cold and will attempt to cover himself to conserve body heat until the new temperature set point is reached. Although such high fever is a cause for concern and does carry its own set of risks, there seems to be some benefit, aiding our body’s fight against invading pathogens.
The fever may persist or it may dissipate, at which time the patient will usually have profuse sweating that lowers body temperature, the fever “breaks”. The fever must play a role in repelling an invasion by micro-organisms. The higher body temperature seems to have an inhibitory effect on certain viruses and bacteria. In the post operative patient fever is very common. Low grade fever, below 101.5 is probably secondary to a systemic inflammatory response unrelated to infection. Above this level, there is more concern that an infection might be present.
In any scenario, the fever has a purpose, be it fighting infection or assisting with the healing process and is one example of the amazing intricacies of human physiology.
Fever, of course, is a very common occurrence, be it a simple cold or life threatening sepsis. There is an aspect of human physiology and anatomy that is very important to our well being. Our bodies are built with long tunnels passing into and through us. The aerodigestive tract allows us to exchange a variety of elements with the outside world. The tracheobronchial tree starts at a shared entrance with the digestive tract. In the pharynx the two systems divide, with the respiratory limb ending in the lungs, two balloon-like structures that constantly inflate and deflate, exchanging inhaled oxygen for carbon dioxide, a byproduct of cellular metabolism. This essential mechanism keeps us alive. In fact, the first two letters of the ABC’s of trauma resuscitation are Airway and Breathing, (the third is Circulation), the jobs performed by the lungs.
But, it is the efficiency of our lungs and airway in light of constant bombardment by potential pathogens from the world around us that is truly remarkable. Our upper airway is equipped with mucus membranes that secrete mucopolysaccaride chemicals that trap invaders so they can be expelled or killed. Our upper airways are also outfitted with cilia, tiny hair-like structures that rhythmically beat and carry foreign particles away from the lower bronchial tree. We have the ability to cough, an extremely efficient mechanism that clears uninvited strangers from our lungs and trachea. Finally, our alveoli, the tiny balloons where gas exchange occurs, have all the components of our immune system standing at readiness to attack any invaders that make it to that level. Should this final line of defense be overwhelmed by bacteria, viruses or merely large particles, infection and/or impairment of gas exchange occurs. Pneumonia results from micro-organism infection of the lungs. Smoking damages cilia and allows particulate matter to reach the ends of our airways, eventually causing damage that is irreversible, the common condition called Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD).
The other fork of the aerodigestive tract leads to the esophagus, stomach and the small and large bowel. While the lungs are efficiently scavenging wayward invaders, the gastrointestinal tract has learned to live in harmony with such organisms. Technically, the GI tract lumen is outside our bodies. It is a long, tortuous tunnel that snakes its way from our mouth to our anus. Inside this tunnel trillions of bacteria reside in a symbiotic relationship; welcome, as long as they stay in their place.
The numerous types of bacteria play a crucial role in maintaining normal physiology and immune function. It is likely that the resident bacteria stimulate a variety of immune functions, particularly during the early developmental years. The bacteria help with digestion of certain nutrients, breaking down complex polysaccharides into more digestible forms and also play a key role in the enterohepatic circulation of bile salts. In addition, the GI flora help with the absorption of certain vitamins and play a protective role for their human host by preventing the overgrowth of harmful bacteria within the gut lumen. As long as these tiny helpers stay inside the tunnel of the GI tract they are our friend. If they escape and invade surrounding organs or spaces, then they are most unwelcome. But, the normal GI tract physiology is a wonderful example of symbiosis between vary disparate organisms.
It is easy to see that the human body is an amazing creation that is well suited to living and flourishing in a hostile world. But what is it that sets the human apart from other animals. Other animals may run fever and are also bombarded by microscopic invaders. Is there anything that sets the human apart; an attribute that screams: “I am unique to the Homo sapien; you won’t find me in a dog or a chimpanzee”?
GK Chesterton said it was art that separates humanity from all the rest of creation. The ability to paint, write, sculpt, play or write music is the sole province of mankind. The ability to appreciate such endeavors is an even greater exclusive human attribute.
But what is it that allows a Bach to write music that soars, a Picasso to create unique, expressive paintings or a Charles Dickens to string together a series of words that actually make sense and have the power to entertain and inform? There are two components of the human body necessary for such creation. The first and most obvious is a brain, an organ that is incredibly complex, with mechanisms that are poorly understood, but capable of the most astounding achievement. Every original thought, every idea that became a concept and then a commodity started in the recesses of someone’s brain.
A mass of neurons, synapses, electrical impulses and chemical transmitters work in harmony to produce a thought. This thought may be the next logical conclusion from a series of previous thoughts or it can materialize from nowhere, an inspiration from an unseen Muse. Thoughts may be fleeting or they may coalesce into ideas. Eventually the idea comes to fruition and a new creation emerges. Humanity lurches forward into new realms with every thought and idea. Unfortunately, some ideas seem to cause us to step back.
The passage of idea to commodity requires that some form of work be performed and the principle agent of such work, particularly in the arts, but also in most other endeavors is the hand.
A complex organ made up of skin, bones, nerves, blood vessels and muscle, the hand is capable of turning black and white notes on a page into the sweet sound of Rachmininoff’s Piano Concerto Number Three; it can mold and shape a lump of stone into Michelangelo’s David. This incredibly versatile organ allows us to surpass all the rest of creation, to create the art that we all appreciate.
It is possible to provide substitutes for our hands; amazing creations have come from people who have lost the use of their hands. But, as we marvel at the human capacity to adapt to such disability, consider what these talented individuals could have done. Substitutes for our hands can be fashioned or trained, but they remain substitutes, at best performing nearly as well as a normally functioning hand, but never surpassing the hand.
A whole book could be written on the amazing design of the human body. Many of the intricacies are still being discovered, but it is this remarkable design, this body so perfectly suited to thrive in the world that surrounds us, that allows someone like me to slice a patient open from stem to stern, root around inside for a while, stitch the wound closed and then see that patient walk into my office a month later entirely well. Truly amazing.
From the top of our heads to the soles of our feet our bodies are constructed to withstand extremes of temperature, assaults by invading organisms, physical and mental challenges and to perform with uncanny accuracy under the most arduous and taxing conditions.
So, let us start with the bottom of our feet. The plantar aspect or soles of our feet are a thick layer of skin and fascia perfectly suited for the stress and strain of upright walking. All the trumpeting of modern technological advances in athletic shoe design has not yielded any product that can claim to be superior to our feet. Indeed, recent research suggests that running barefoot or with a flat shoe with minimal padding is far superior to the thick soled, complicated athletic shoes that probably create more stressors for our feet than they prevent. It seems that Hobbits had it right.
Our bodies are maintained at a near constant temperature, 98.6 F or 37.5 C. We are equipped with very efficient heaters and coolers to keep us in the appropriated narrow range. If our body temperature starts to rise, be it secondary to a hot environment, physical exertion or some other factor we will sweat (or perspire if you are a lady). The moisture can cool directly, but the greatest cooling is a result of evaporation from our skin. External adjuncts, such as fans speed the process. Rapid breathing also can contribute to elimination of heat via the lungs. Of course this is carried to an extreme in dogs, who pant to cool themselves.
Conversely, our body is constantly producing heat. Routine, but essential metabolic processes all generate heat. In a cold environment this metabolism speeds up and more heat is generated, often manifested by shivering. Similarly, in the course of many illnesses a patient develops a fever. In the most extreme circumstances an ill patient will develop uncontrollable shaking called “rigors”. Such shaking is the result of rapid muscle contractions designed to generate heat and rapidly raise body temperature. In such situations the “thermostat” is turned up. Body temperature rises from the normal 98.6 to 101 or 103 or even higher. During the rising phase the patient complains that he feels cold and will attempt to cover himself to conserve body heat until the new temperature set point is reached. Although such high fever is a cause for concern and does carry its own set of risks, there seems to be some benefit, aiding our body’s fight against invading pathogens.
The fever may persist or it may dissipate, at which time the patient will usually have profuse sweating that lowers body temperature, the fever “breaks”. The fever must play a role in repelling an invasion by micro-organisms. The higher body temperature seems to have an inhibitory effect on certain viruses and bacteria. In the post operative patient fever is very common. Low grade fever, below 101.5 is probably secondary to a systemic inflammatory response unrelated to infection. Above this level, there is more concern that an infection might be present.
In any scenario, the fever has a purpose, be it fighting infection or assisting with the healing process and is one example of the amazing intricacies of human physiology.
Fever, of course, is a very common occurrence, be it a simple cold or life threatening sepsis. There is an aspect of human physiology and anatomy that is very important to our well being. Our bodies are built with long tunnels passing into and through us. The aerodigestive tract allows us to exchange a variety of elements with the outside world. The tracheobronchial tree starts at a shared entrance with the digestive tract. In the pharynx the two systems divide, with the respiratory limb ending in the lungs, two balloon-like structures that constantly inflate and deflate, exchanging inhaled oxygen for carbon dioxide, a byproduct of cellular metabolism. This essential mechanism keeps us alive. In fact, the first two letters of the ABC’s of trauma resuscitation are Airway and Breathing, (the third is Circulation), the jobs performed by the lungs.
But, it is the efficiency of our lungs and airway in light of constant bombardment by potential pathogens from the world around us that is truly remarkable. Our upper airway is equipped with mucus membranes that secrete mucopolysaccaride chemicals that trap invaders so they can be expelled or killed. Our upper airways are also outfitted with cilia, tiny hair-like structures that rhythmically beat and carry foreign particles away from the lower bronchial tree. We have the ability to cough, an extremely efficient mechanism that clears uninvited strangers from our lungs and trachea. Finally, our alveoli, the tiny balloons where gas exchange occurs, have all the components of our immune system standing at readiness to attack any invaders that make it to that level. Should this final line of defense be overwhelmed by bacteria, viruses or merely large particles, infection and/or impairment of gas exchange occurs. Pneumonia results from micro-organism infection of the lungs. Smoking damages cilia and allows particulate matter to reach the ends of our airways, eventually causing damage that is irreversible, the common condition called Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD).
The other fork of the aerodigestive tract leads to the esophagus, stomach and the small and large bowel. While the lungs are efficiently scavenging wayward invaders, the gastrointestinal tract has learned to live in harmony with such organisms. Technically, the GI tract lumen is outside our bodies. It is a long, tortuous tunnel that snakes its way from our mouth to our anus. Inside this tunnel trillions of bacteria reside in a symbiotic relationship; welcome, as long as they stay in their place.
The numerous types of bacteria play a crucial role in maintaining normal physiology and immune function. It is likely that the resident bacteria stimulate a variety of immune functions, particularly during the early developmental years. The bacteria help with digestion of certain nutrients, breaking down complex polysaccharides into more digestible forms and also play a key role in the enterohepatic circulation of bile salts. In addition, the GI flora help with the absorption of certain vitamins and play a protective role for their human host by preventing the overgrowth of harmful bacteria within the gut lumen. As long as these tiny helpers stay inside the tunnel of the GI tract they are our friend. If they escape and invade surrounding organs or spaces, then they are most unwelcome. But, the normal GI tract physiology is a wonderful example of symbiosis between vary disparate organisms.
It is easy to see that the human body is an amazing creation that is well suited to living and flourishing in a hostile world. But what is it that sets the human apart from other animals. Other animals may run fever and are also bombarded by microscopic invaders. Is there anything that sets the human apart; an attribute that screams: “I am unique to the Homo sapien; you won’t find me in a dog or a chimpanzee”?
GK Chesterton said it was art that separates humanity from all the rest of creation. The ability to paint, write, sculpt, play or write music is the sole province of mankind. The ability to appreciate such endeavors is an even greater exclusive human attribute.
But what is it that allows a Bach to write music that soars, a Picasso to create unique, expressive paintings or a Charles Dickens to string together a series of words that actually make sense and have the power to entertain and inform? There are two components of the human body necessary for such creation. The first and most obvious is a brain, an organ that is incredibly complex, with mechanisms that are poorly understood, but capable of the most astounding achievement. Every original thought, every idea that became a concept and then a commodity started in the recesses of someone’s brain.
A mass of neurons, synapses, electrical impulses and chemical transmitters work in harmony to produce a thought. This thought may be the next logical conclusion from a series of previous thoughts or it can materialize from nowhere, an inspiration from an unseen Muse. Thoughts may be fleeting or they may coalesce into ideas. Eventually the idea comes to fruition and a new creation emerges. Humanity lurches forward into new realms with every thought and idea. Unfortunately, some ideas seem to cause us to step back.
The passage of idea to commodity requires that some form of work be performed and the principle agent of such work, particularly in the arts, but also in most other endeavors is the hand.
A complex organ made up of skin, bones, nerves, blood vessels and muscle, the hand is capable of turning black and white notes on a page into the sweet sound of Rachmininoff’s Piano Concerto Number Three; it can mold and shape a lump of stone into Michelangelo’s David. This incredibly versatile organ allows us to surpass all the rest of creation, to create the art that we all appreciate.
It is possible to provide substitutes for our hands; amazing creations have come from people who have lost the use of their hands. But, as we marvel at the human capacity to adapt to such disability, consider what these talented individuals could have done. Substitutes for our hands can be fashioned or trained, but they remain substitutes, at best performing nearly as well as a normally functioning hand, but never surpassing the hand.
A whole book could be written on the amazing design of the human body. Many of the intricacies are still being discovered, but it is this remarkable design, this body so perfectly suited to thrive in the world that surrounds us, that allows someone like me to slice a patient open from stem to stern, root around inside for a while, stitch the wound closed and then see that patient walk into my office a month later entirely well. Truly amazing.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Surgical Education
It is predicted that over the next ten years, as the baby boom generation ages, that there will be a shortage of available general surgeons to address the expected surgical needs of this aging population. Indeed, many general surgery residency programs have been finding it difficult to fill all their categorical positions, that is those positions that lead to a finished general surgeon. As more and more of the population reach retirement age, it is anticipated that the incidence of GI cancers, breast cancer, peripheral vascular disease and many other maladies prevalent among this age group will increase and there is a growing concern that the already overworked specialty of general surgery will be unable to adequately meet the challenge.
The recently passed Healthcare Reform act has squarely attacked this growing problem with several new and innovative pilot programs. The Simian Surgical project, previously reported on these pages is one such program. Another pilot program, to be headquartered in Phoenix, Arizona, is the ICS Surgical Education Program. This ground-breaking initiative, funded by an NIH grant through the recently passed healthcare bill, has as its goal to seek out highly skilled young persons and train them as surgeons. Currently, it takes many years to train a general surgeon. Four years of college, followed by four years of medical school and, then, five to six years of surgery residency is the current pathway to becoming a general surgeon. The new, innovative program will streamline this pathway considerably.
Dr. Albert Scheinbach elaborates, “Recent studies suggest that highly skilled technicians can adequately perform the necessary surgery to prevent the shortfall of qualified surgeons that this country may face in the coming years. Our aim is to find the future stars of surgery at a young age, perhaps as young as nine or ten, train them in the most modern techniques, utilizing the most modern equipment available and prevent what could be tragedy for so many of our elderly.”
Dr. Scheinbach explained that the initial phase will be one of recruitment. Carpet advertising in the most popular and widely read graphic journals*, as well as recruitment in various projection oriented arcades should allow the program to find young men and women with appropriate hand-eye coordination to perform the many surgical procedures at the highest possible level. It has been clearly demonstrated that surgical skills are directly correlated to scores achieved on “Donkey Kong”, Super Mario Brothers” and “Need for Speed”. However, besides demonstrating the necessary hand-eye coordination the recruitment process will also require the applicants to be able to fill out the application; the prospective surgeon will actually have to have the skill to legibly write their name and address, including postal code, on the form that will be available with the advertisement. Once accepted into the program, a vigorous, but compassionate educational and training regimen will commence.
From the comfort of their own home the student will be sent a weekly package containing the training materials, including educational manuals and anatomic parts. An instructional audio CD written by James Weldon Johnson**, famous spiritual composer, will accompany the material and will provide the student with detailed directions to allow him or her to complete the required tasks. At the end of the semester the student will be expected to return all the body parts properly assembled and fully functional. Those that pass this portion of the training will be allowed to progress to the final examination.
The final exam will be administered by the surgical staff of the University of Phoenix, International Correspondence Division, and will consist of a didactic portion as well as an actual operation. Dr. Scheinbach explains:
“The home centered education portion is not considered completely adequate training to allow our students to enter the operating theater unattended. The candidate for graduation must demonstrate the necessary dexterity to be a safe surgeon. The final exam will consist of a series of simulated procedures utilizing a standard model, Operation*** and then a computer graphics module****; successful completion of this phase is followed by an actual operation. The candidate will be assigned a random operation ranging from a simple appendectomy to a pancreatoduodenectomy. These highly skilled young people will be required to perform the assigned procedure assisted by standard operating room personnel. A grade of 70 % on this portion of the exam will be necessary to pass and be issued a diploma. The graduate will be bestowed with the degree ‘Doctor of Surgery’.”
A spokesman for the Obama administration stated that the supposed complexities of most operations are exaggerated and overstated. We believe that any properly trained person, with the necessary manual dexterity and assisted by the computer modules that our team has developed, can successfully perform most of the surgery necessary for the aging baby boomer population. He added that, initially, these newly trained surgeons will provide service limited to Medicare patients. It is anticipated that as the program becomes established and the significant cost savings are realized private insurers will jump on the bandwagon.
The initial pilot program will have 500 participants with initial training expected to be completed by January 2012.
* “Teen Titans”, “Astonishing X-Men”, “The Incredible Hulk”, “Spiderman”
** “Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem Dry Bones” Lyrics and music by James Weldon Johnson
** “Operation” Hasbro toys recommended for ages 6&up
**** “Virtual Surgery, For the Beginner”
The recently passed Healthcare Reform act has squarely attacked this growing problem with several new and innovative pilot programs. The Simian Surgical project, previously reported on these pages is one such program. Another pilot program, to be headquartered in Phoenix, Arizona, is the ICS Surgical Education Program. This ground-breaking initiative, funded by an NIH grant through the recently passed healthcare bill, has as its goal to seek out highly skilled young persons and train them as surgeons. Currently, it takes many years to train a general surgeon. Four years of college, followed by four years of medical school and, then, five to six years of surgery residency is the current pathway to becoming a general surgeon. The new, innovative program will streamline this pathway considerably.
Dr. Albert Scheinbach elaborates, “Recent studies suggest that highly skilled technicians can adequately perform the necessary surgery to prevent the shortfall of qualified surgeons that this country may face in the coming years. Our aim is to find the future stars of surgery at a young age, perhaps as young as nine or ten, train them in the most modern techniques, utilizing the most modern equipment available and prevent what could be tragedy for so many of our elderly.”
Dr. Scheinbach explained that the initial phase will be one of recruitment. Carpet advertising in the most popular and widely read graphic journals*, as well as recruitment in various projection oriented arcades should allow the program to find young men and women with appropriate hand-eye coordination to perform the many surgical procedures at the highest possible level. It has been clearly demonstrated that surgical skills are directly correlated to scores achieved on “Donkey Kong”, Super Mario Brothers” and “Need for Speed”. However, besides demonstrating the necessary hand-eye coordination the recruitment process will also require the applicants to be able to fill out the application; the prospective surgeon will actually have to have the skill to legibly write their name and address, including postal code, on the form that will be available with the advertisement. Once accepted into the program, a vigorous, but compassionate educational and training regimen will commence.
From the comfort of their own home the student will be sent a weekly package containing the training materials, including educational manuals and anatomic parts. An instructional audio CD written by James Weldon Johnson**, famous spiritual composer, will accompany the material and will provide the student with detailed directions to allow him or her to complete the required tasks. At the end of the semester the student will be expected to return all the body parts properly assembled and fully functional. Those that pass this portion of the training will be allowed to progress to the final examination.
The final exam will be administered by the surgical staff of the University of Phoenix, International Correspondence Division, and will consist of a didactic portion as well as an actual operation. Dr. Scheinbach explains:
“The home centered education portion is not considered completely adequate training to allow our students to enter the operating theater unattended. The candidate for graduation must demonstrate the necessary dexterity to be a safe surgeon. The final exam will consist of a series of simulated procedures utilizing a standard model, Operation*** and then a computer graphics module****; successful completion of this phase is followed by an actual operation. The candidate will be assigned a random operation ranging from a simple appendectomy to a pancreatoduodenectomy. These highly skilled young people will be required to perform the assigned procedure assisted by standard operating room personnel. A grade of 70 % on this portion of the exam will be necessary to pass and be issued a diploma. The graduate will be bestowed with the degree ‘Doctor of Surgery’.”
A spokesman for the Obama administration stated that the supposed complexities of most operations are exaggerated and overstated. We believe that any properly trained person, with the necessary manual dexterity and assisted by the computer modules that our team has developed, can successfully perform most of the surgery necessary for the aging baby boomer population. He added that, initially, these newly trained surgeons will provide service limited to Medicare patients. It is anticipated that as the program becomes established and the significant cost savings are realized private insurers will jump on the bandwagon.
The initial pilot program will have 500 participants with initial training expected to be completed by January 2012.
* “Teen Titans”, “Astonishing X-Men”, “The Incredible Hulk”, “Spiderman”
** “Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem Dry Bones” Lyrics and music by James Weldon Johnson
** “Operation” Hasbro toys recommended for ages 6&up
**** “Virtual Surgery, For the Beginner”
Saturday, September 18, 2010
After Horton
Dealing with Tragedy
It’s been decades since the near disaster; the time when all of our society hung by the thinnest of threads and only the strength and fortitude of one small boy saved us all from our short sightedness. As I look back over the years I am astounded and a bit saddened by what has happened to all of us that were engulfed by the events of the day.
Of course the exploits of the two heroes have been widely reported in the tabloid media over the years. Horton, the noble steadfast beast, remained true to his principles for a period of time, but even he was unable to avoid scandal.
The sordid affair with Miss Maisey producing a bastard child eventually drove that pachyderm to a lifelong addiction to peanuts. Although he protested loud and long, claiming that he had only the noblest intentions, the product of their illicit union could not be denied. Horton did acquit himself to some degree over the years, raising his elephant bird son, eventually sending his unique offspring to veterinarian school before the lad was tragically crushed while caring, ironically, for an elephant at the Miami Zoo.
Horton overcame the subsequent depression and, after a stint at the Betty Ford Clinic, went on to star in several movie adaptations of his life and win an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor for his role as lead elephant in Tarzan and the Leopard Men. After penning his memoirs he settled down in The Bronx, where he continues to live with his wife, Esther. In a recent interview he was quoted:
“I’ve lived a long and full life with enough adventure for ten elephants. I have to say that through it all I’ve remained true to my principles treating everyone equally, with compassion and the right amount of love and kindness. And, for those of you that have tried to wrong me over the years” he added while popping a peanut into his mouth, “I have to say, be careful, be very careful, I won’t forget…I’ll never forget.”
The other hero of note was Jo Jo, only a young boy at the time. But, it was his timely “YOPP” that saved us all. Of course, he was celebrated in both print and electronic media and his fame spread. Only a few years later he went on tour with his rock group, “Jo Jo and his Yo-Yo’s”. They played to packed houses for two summers straight and there song “Yipps and Yopps” stayed at number one on the Billboard charts for five months straight.
After a few years, however, his star began to fade. Addiction to heroin plagued him and less than ten years after reaching the pinnacle of success and fame he was found dead, with a needle in his arm, at a crack house on 17th Street. His band tries to carry on without him and you can still see them on Thursdays, here in town at Lena’s Café.
Mother Kangaroo tried to rise above her role, claiming that her only crime was ignorance and that Horton should have been more forthright and insistent regarding his claims. She said in the weeks that followed the events that she feared for the safety of her young son, that a crazed, wild elephant posed a great danger to the jungle. She realized later that it would have been better to humor Horton at the time, but she was trying to set a good example for her son; that it is always best to confront danger, rather than hide.
She eventually, after her children were grown, had a brief affair with a Tasmanian Devil, before marrying the Lorax and finally settling down. They formed the nonprofit organization, “Green Against Pollution” which championed “Green” technologies and fought against waste and exploitation of our natural resources. Mother Kangaroo’s most successful campaign was against the use of beezle nuts and beezle nut oil, citing the considerable smoke that could pollute the air when this oil is used for cooking as well as the dangers of intoxication when excessive quantities of this particular nut are ingested.
Her son, Angus Kangaroo, made a name for himself some years after the near tragedy. His book, “Momzilla, Life in the Pouch”, hit number one on the New York Times best sellers list and stayed there for sixteen straight weeks. He eventually came out and spoke out strongly for “Kangaroo Rights”, battling years of built up prejudices against Kangaroos and their many marsupial relatives. His second book, “I have a Pouch and that’s OK”, although not selling as well as his debut, received much critical acclaim and raised awareness about the plight of marsupials everywhere.
The greatest tragedy that followed our near demise was the suffering of the Wickersham Brothers. The guilt of having nearly destroyed an entire civilization was more than the three of them could handle.
The eldest, Hiram Wickersham, was found hanging from a beam in his jungle apartment only three weeks after the events. The note only said “I’m Sorry…I’m Sorry”.
Elrod Wickersham, the youngest, immediately hit the talk show circuit, claiming that he never wanted to boil that dust speck, as was widely reported. He was only going along with his brother’s wishes and claimed that he never intended to go through with the horrible deed; that he would have stopped them before it was too late; that he also feared for his own life and that if he interfered he would have found himself belly up in a boiling cauldron of beezle nut oil. Of course, he became an outcast from society, never able to clear his name and eventually joined a monastery in Perth.
Ambrose Wickersham, the middle brother, earned even more notoriety in the years to come. He never apologized or denied any wrongdoing in the Whoville affair. In fact, in the aftermath not a word was heard from him. Two years later he was photographed throwing stones at an elephant in the Houston Zoo and it was only a short time later that his hatred for all elephants came to light. It seems that the Wickersham’s father was crushed to death by one of the elephants in the “Outback Circus”, part of a combined elephant/monkey act. Although an investigation proved the death was an unavoidable accident, Ambrose was never able to forgive the elephant and harbored a lifelong enmity towards all elephants, be they Indian or African. Only a few years ago he died in a manner similar to his father. He climbed into the elephant enclosure at the Sydney Zoo and taunted the residents until they charged him and he was trampled. The death was ruled a suicide by the Sydney Coroner’s Office.
Valad Vlad-I-Koff, the eagle that cast our home into the vast field of clover actually came out unscathed. He claimed that he was trying to save us by hiding us from the vicious mob and deranged elephant in one place where we would be safe, the field of clover. I almost believed him at the time, but later eyewitness accounts refuted his claims. Still, he became a successful businessman, starting “Eagle Courier Services”, a company that specialized in overnight deliveries. Rumors abounded a few years ago that the company was involved in delivery of illegal drugs and merchandise, but these allegations remain unproven and Valad sold the company only last year and retired to Palm Beach, Florida.
As for me, the Mayor, I have weathered the years, staying in my position as Mayor of Whoville for forty one years. The near disaster led to a call for more safety measures and plans were made to construct a bright beacon that would make our presence known to the smallest being in the outside worlds. In addition, work was begun on a powerful amplifier, something to make all the outsiders aware of our presence. Political infighting stalled all these projects and then the faltering economy and shrinking tax base forced us to abandon them completely. I never married, as my child hood sweetheart, Cindy Lou, chose to marry that professional baseball player instead. I heard that he has mistreated her terribly, but I can’t say for sure.
So now I spend my days walking in the park, feeding the ducks and reminiscing over those old days. Every day I stop and admire the statue of Horton that sits in the middle of Whoville Park. The ears and trunk have turned green over the years, but the statue still stands as a reminder to all the generations of Who’s, reminding them and us of the fate that we narrowly avoided.
For those of you that don't remember "Horton Hears a Who" here is a link to the text of the story by Dr. Suess http://www.johnhenrybikes.com/newsletter/horton.htm
It’s been decades since the near disaster; the time when all of our society hung by the thinnest of threads and only the strength and fortitude of one small boy saved us all from our short sightedness. As I look back over the years I am astounded and a bit saddened by what has happened to all of us that were engulfed by the events of the day.
Of course the exploits of the two heroes have been widely reported in the tabloid media over the years. Horton, the noble steadfast beast, remained true to his principles for a period of time, but even he was unable to avoid scandal.
The sordid affair with Miss Maisey producing a bastard child eventually drove that pachyderm to a lifelong addiction to peanuts. Although he protested loud and long, claiming that he had only the noblest intentions, the product of their illicit union could not be denied. Horton did acquit himself to some degree over the years, raising his elephant bird son, eventually sending his unique offspring to veterinarian school before the lad was tragically crushed while caring, ironically, for an elephant at the Miami Zoo.
Horton overcame the subsequent depression and, after a stint at the Betty Ford Clinic, went on to star in several movie adaptations of his life and win an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor for his role as lead elephant in Tarzan and the Leopard Men. After penning his memoirs he settled down in The Bronx, where he continues to live with his wife, Esther. In a recent interview he was quoted:
“I’ve lived a long and full life with enough adventure for ten elephants. I have to say that through it all I’ve remained true to my principles treating everyone equally, with compassion and the right amount of love and kindness. And, for those of you that have tried to wrong me over the years” he added while popping a peanut into his mouth, “I have to say, be careful, be very careful, I won’t forget…I’ll never forget.”
The other hero of note was Jo Jo, only a young boy at the time. But, it was his timely “YOPP” that saved us all. Of course, he was celebrated in both print and electronic media and his fame spread. Only a few years later he went on tour with his rock group, “Jo Jo and his Yo-Yo’s”. They played to packed houses for two summers straight and there song “Yipps and Yopps” stayed at number one on the Billboard charts for five months straight.
After a few years, however, his star began to fade. Addiction to heroin plagued him and less than ten years after reaching the pinnacle of success and fame he was found dead, with a needle in his arm, at a crack house on 17th Street. His band tries to carry on without him and you can still see them on Thursdays, here in town at Lena’s Café.
Mother Kangaroo tried to rise above her role, claiming that her only crime was ignorance and that Horton should have been more forthright and insistent regarding his claims. She said in the weeks that followed the events that she feared for the safety of her young son, that a crazed, wild elephant posed a great danger to the jungle. She realized later that it would have been better to humor Horton at the time, but she was trying to set a good example for her son; that it is always best to confront danger, rather than hide.
She eventually, after her children were grown, had a brief affair with a Tasmanian Devil, before marrying the Lorax and finally settling down. They formed the nonprofit organization, “Green Against Pollution” which championed “Green” technologies and fought against waste and exploitation of our natural resources. Mother Kangaroo’s most successful campaign was against the use of beezle nuts and beezle nut oil, citing the considerable smoke that could pollute the air when this oil is used for cooking as well as the dangers of intoxication when excessive quantities of this particular nut are ingested.
Her son, Angus Kangaroo, made a name for himself some years after the near tragedy. His book, “Momzilla, Life in the Pouch”, hit number one on the New York Times best sellers list and stayed there for sixteen straight weeks. He eventually came out and spoke out strongly for “Kangaroo Rights”, battling years of built up prejudices against Kangaroos and their many marsupial relatives. His second book, “I have a Pouch and that’s OK”, although not selling as well as his debut, received much critical acclaim and raised awareness about the plight of marsupials everywhere.
The greatest tragedy that followed our near demise was the suffering of the Wickersham Brothers. The guilt of having nearly destroyed an entire civilization was more than the three of them could handle.
The eldest, Hiram Wickersham, was found hanging from a beam in his jungle apartment only three weeks after the events. The note only said “I’m Sorry…I’m Sorry”.
Elrod Wickersham, the youngest, immediately hit the talk show circuit, claiming that he never wanted to boil that dust speck, as was widely reported. He was only going along with his brother’s wishes and claimed that he never intended to go through with the horrible deed; that he would have stopped them before it was too late; that he also feared for his own life and that if he interfered he would have found himself belly up in a boiling cauldron of beezle nut oil. Of course, he became an outcast from society, never able to clear his name and eventually joined a monastery in Perth.
Ambrose Wickersham, the middle brother, earned even more notoriety in the years to come. He never apologized or denied any wrongdoing in the Whoville affair. In fact, in the aftermath not a word was heard from him. Two years later he was photographed throwing stones at an elephant in the Houston Zoo and it was only a short time later that his hatred for all elephants came to light. It seems that the Wickersham’s father was crushed to death by one of the elephants in the “Outback Circus”, part of a combined elephant/monkey act. Although an investigation proved the death was an unavoidable accident, Ambrose was never able to forgive the elephant and harbored a lifelong enmity towards all elephants, be they Indian or African. Only a few years ago he died in a manner similar to his father. He climbed into the elephant enclosure at the Sydney Zoo and taunted the residents until they charged him and he was trampled. The death was ruled a suicide by the Sydney Coroner’s Office.
Valad Vlad-I-Koff, the eagle that cast our home into the vast field of clover actually came out unscathed. He claimed that he was trying to save us by hiding us from the vicious mob and deranged elephant in one place where we would be safe, the field of clover. I almost believed him at the time, but later eyewitness accounts refuted his claims. Still, he became a successful businessman, starting “Eagle Courier Services”, a company that specialized in overnight deliveries. Rumors abounded a few years ago that the company was involved in delivery of illegal drugs and merchandise, but these allegations remain unproven and Valad sold the company only last year and retired to Palm Beach, Florida.
As for me, the Mayor, I have weathered the years, staying in my position as Mayor of Whoville for forty one years. The near disaster led to a call for more safety measures and plans were made to construct a bright beacon that would make our presence known to the smallest being in the outside worlds. In addition, work was begun on a powerful amplifier, something to make all the outsiders aware of our presence. Political infighting stalled all these projects and then the faltering economy and shrinking tax base forced us to abandon them completely. I never married, as my child hood sweetheart, Cindy Lou, chose to marry that professional baseball player instead. I heard that he has mistreated her terribly, but I can’t say for sure.
So now I spend my days walking in the park, feeding the ducks and reminiscing over those old days. Every day I stop and admire the statue of Horton that sits in the middle of Whoville Park. The ears and trunk have turned green over the years, but the statue still stands as a reminder to all the generations of Who’s, reminding them and us of the fate that we narrowly avoided.
For those of you that don't remember "Horton Hears a Who" here is a link to the text of the story by Dr. Suess http://www.johnhenrybikes.com/newsletter/horton.htm
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Airport Security
I recently had the pleasure of flying from Houston to Albany, NY, the occasion being a visit to my parents. As always, I arrived at the airport more than an hour before my scheduled departure time, even though I only had a carry on bag. These days you never know about the line to pass through the security checkpoint. Thankfully, the line was pretty short and I was able to spend my time sitting by the gate, instead of standing in line.
As I approached the security checkpoints, I performed the usual preparatory actions: had my boarding pass and ID in hand for the security guard and then went through the ritual partial disrobing. I put my laptop computer, wallet, keys, cellphone, watch, belt, shoes and my bag in the gray plastic bins and prepared to pass through the metal detector, clutching the waistband of my pants, lest they unceremoniously slide down to my knees. I managed to pass through without setting off any bells and whistles, sat down to get myself dressed and while doing this thought about this ritual I had just experienced.
I suppose it makes sense to separate metal objects I guess, although these days I think most explosives are made of plastic of some sort. Taking the belt off is necessary because most belts have some metal in them and could set off the metal detector. Removing the shoes is in response to the shoe bomber, Richard Reed, although I suspect there are some shoes that could serve as terrorist weapons without any hidden explosives.
I thought about the “Shoe Bomber” and removing one’s shoes. Shoes at the time were a fairly good hiding place; something ubiquitous and unassuming. The requirement that shoes now be removed and scanned seems to be a perfectly reasonable response to that past event. But, wasn’t there recently an “Underwear Bomber?” It seems to me that an appropriate similar response to this new threat is called for. Unless this issue is properly addressed underwear will remain a viable option for transporting bombs. I realize that it is not practical for every passenger to remove his or her underwear while passing through security. The time for each passenger to remove their underwear and then dress would be way too long. Plus, I could see some people wanting to go through the line even if they weren’t flying anywhere. One solution would be to make it illegal to fly while wearing underwear. Of course, objections to this plan would inevitably be raised by the pro-underwear crowd and it is likely that the ban on flying with underwear would probably be found to be unconstitutional by the current Supreme Court.
Perhaps, random underwear checks could be done. Every tenth person could be required to submit to a thorough undergarment inspection. Passengers who objected to such violation of their personal space could be given the opportunity to declare that they are sans underwear, which could be confirmed by a quick peek which would add a mere few seconds to the security process. Women wearing thongs also could make such a declaration. After all, no respectable bomb could fit inside a thong.
There are a few other flaws in the current screening procedures. I’ve recently learned that terrorists are finding newer and more clever ways to smuggle their explosives aboard. Apparently, plastic surgeons are being recruited to perform breast augmentation on would be suicide bombers, utilizing breast implants filled with explosives. If this is true then a new line of security becomes necessary. Personnel with special training and very experienced in examination of the breast would become necessary to discern the subtleties inherent in an explosive breast implant.
With the changes that have come in health care I see this as a new and potential lucrative revenue stream for general surgeons and gynecologists who have suffered decline in income as reimbursement has fallen for traditional health care. In addition, there will be a need for proctologists as terrorists go beyond shoes and underwear and start carrying their explosive devices inside body cavities. In order to perform complete exams only proctologists capable of palming a basketball would be qualified.
It is possible that future screening procedures will require several stations. I can just hear the chatter: “Right arm up over your head…Left arm up…bend over…next…hey captain, come check these out…next”. I think retired doctors would be best suited to such work.
These security measures may seem drastic to the typical lay person. But, dangerous times demand appropriate and effective methods to outwit the evil forces that lurk in the shadows. These few modest proposals would go a long way towards deterring these desperate, would be assassins and would help make our skies safe for us and for our children.
As I approached the security checkpoints, I performed the usual preparatory actions: had my boarding pass and ID in hand for the security guard and then went through the ritual partial disrobing. I put my laptop computer, wallet, keys, cellphone, watch, belt, shoes and my bag in the gray plastic bins and prepared to pass through the metal detector, clutching the waistband of my pants, lest they unceremoniously slide down to my knees. I managed to pass through without setting off any bells and whistles, sat down to get myself dressed and while doing this thought about this ritual I had just experienced.
I suppose it makes sense to separate metal objects I guess, although these days I think most explosives are made of plastic of some sort. Taking the belt off is necessary because most belts have some metal in them and could set off the metal detector. Removing the shoes is in response to the shoe bomber, Richard Reed, although I suspect there are some shoes that could serve as terrorist weapons without any hidden explosives.
I thought about the “Shoe Bomber” and removing one’s shoes. Shoes at the time were a fairly good hiding place; something ubiquitous and unassuming. The requirement that shoes now be removed and scanned seems to be a perfectly reasonable response to that past event. But, wasn’t there recently an “Underwear Bomber?” It seems to me that an appropriate similar response to this new threat is called for. Unless this issue is properly addressed underwear will remain a viable option for transporting bombs. I realize that it is not practical for every passenger to remove his or her underwear while passing through security. The time for each passenger to remove their underwear and then dress would be way too long. Plus, I could see some people wanting to go through the line even if they weren’t flying anywhere. One solution would be to make it illegal to fly while wearing underwear. Of course, objections to this plan would inevitably be raised by the pro-underwear crowd and it is likely that the ban on flying with underwear would probably be found to be unconstitutional by the current Supreme Court.
Perhaps, random underwear checks could be done. Every tenth person could be required to submit to a thorough undergarment inspection. Passengers who objected to such violation of their personal space could be given the opportunity to declare that they are sans underwear, which could be confirmed by a quick peek which would add a mere few seconds to the security process. Women wearing thongs also could make such a declaration. After all, no respectable bomb could fit inside a thong.
There are a few other flaws in the current screening procedures. I’ve recently learned that terrorists are finding newer and more clever ways to smuggle their explosives aboard. Apparently, plastic surgeons are being recruited to perform breast augmentation on would be suicide bombers, utilizing breast implants filled with explosives. If this is true then a new line of security becomes necessary. Personnel with special training and very experienced in examination of the breast would become necessary to discern the subtleties inherent in an explosive breast implant.
With the changes that have come in health care I see this as a new and potential lucrative revenue stream for general surgeons and gynecologists who have suffered decline in income as reimbursement has fallen for traditional health care. In addition, there will be a need for proctologists as terrorists go beyond shoes and underwear and start carrying their explosive devices inside body cavities. In order to perform complete exams only proctologists capable of palming a basketball would be qualified.
It is possible that future screening procedures will require several stations. I can just hear the chatter: “Right arm up over your head…Left arm up…bend over…next…hey captain, come check these out…next”. I think retired doctors would be best suited to such work.
These security measures may seem drastic to the typical lay person. But, dangerous times demand appropriate and effective methods to outwit the evil forces that lurk in the shadows. These few modest proposals would go a long way towards deterring these desperate, would be assassins and would help make our skies safe for us and for our children.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Genius Phones
F. N. Stein and IBS Computing announced today that they have completed design and construction of the next generation of smart phones. The new ultra portable phones are completely implantable, combining the latest in biocompatible materials with the most powerful nanotechnology ever developed.
“This new technology far exceeds the technology offered by the existing I- Phone or Android systems. The Q Phone, as it is called, comes in two parts which are implanted under the skin of the user, a receiver implanted in front of the ear and a transmitter implanted beneath the buccal mucosa within the mouth,” stated Dr. Stein, CEO of F.N. Stein.
He went on to add that the convenience and power of these phones will bring new meaning to the term “smart” phone.
“If the existing technology is called smart, these will have to be dubbed genius”, Dr. Stein gushed. “It will no longer be necessary to carry your phone in your pocket or on your belt and you can get rid of those ugly Bluetooth ear pieces once and for all.”
Dr. Stein went on to explain that the new phone automatically integrates with signals from your brain to dial a contact in a nanosecond. Conversations are completely private as the transmitter can send a clear signal even if it is only the faintest whisper. Incoming calls are audible only to the receiver and text messages are transmitted directly to the cerebral cortex. It will no longer be necessary to fumble with your phone or push buttons or “swipe” icons back and forth. The Q Phone is 100% intuitive and functions are executed with only a quick thought.
“The Q Phone goes far beyond “hands free”, Dr. Stein proclaimed. “It’s almost speech free. The controversial ‘driving while texting’ debate will become ancient history as these phones free the driver to concentrate on the road, even while sending out and receiving messages with just a thought.”
There are already hundreds of thousands of useful and unique “apps” for the Q Phone. Besides the obvious GPS or reading apps, the new technology expands the possibilities, making this phone truly worthy of the name “genius”.
Expected to be among the more popular applications is the new Date Buddy. This completely free app will be your coach during those trying moments when you are trying to make time with that hot babe at work. Instead of the usual fumbling for the right words, the Date Buddy will automatically monitor the conversation and transmit witty sayings to the subscriber, guaranteeing that the target will be swept away by the users dashing and debonair manner.
For the user expecting to appear on “Jeopardy” the Q Phone has instant access to the entire Internet, discreetly and secretly. The Wikipedia app can bring the entire online encyclopedia to the tip of your tongue instantly guaranteeing that even the dullest user will appear intelligent and sophisticated.
“We’re expecting to be able to release these implantable phones before the second quarter of 2011. We’re still working out a few bugs with the implant technology. Right now it requires a visit to the doctor to have the devices properly implanted. We’re hoping that a self implantation kit will be feasible before the final version is released”, Dr. Stein reported.
There was no immediate comment from representatives of Google, makers of the Android platform; however, Steve Jobs was quoted as saying “This implantable phone is pirated from technology developed by Apple. The IPhone 5 was slated to be such a device. We intend to file a patent infringement suit in Superior Court next week.”
Dr. Stein laughed off Mr. Job’s comments, saying that he had been working on this sort of device for decades.
More information is available at http://www.geniusqphone.com
We at “Heard in the OR” will keep you posted as this story develops.
“This new technology far exceeds the technology offered by the existing I- Phone or Android systems. The Q Phone, as it is called, comes in two parts which are implanted under the skin of the user, a receiver implanted in front of the ear and a transmitter implanted beneath the buccal mucosa within the mouth,” stated Dr. Stein, CEO of F.N. Stein.
He went on to add that the convenience and power of these phones will bring new meaning to the term “smart” phone.
“If the existing technology is called smart, these will have to be dubbed genius”, Dr. Stein gushed. “It will no longer be necessary to carry your phone in your pocket or on your belt and you can get rid of those ugly Bluetooth ear pieces once and for all.”
Dr. Stein went on to explain that the new phone automatically integrates with signals from your brain to dial a contact in a nanosecond. Conversations are completely private as the transmitter can send a clear signal even if it is only the faintest whisper. Incoming calls are audible only to the receiver and text messages are transmitted directly to the cerebral cortex. It will no longer be necessary to fumble with your phone or push buttons or “swipe” icons back and forth. The Q Phone is 100% intuitive and functions are executed with only a quick thought.
“The Q Phone goes far beyond “hands free”, Dr. Stein proclaimed. “It’s almost speech free. The controversial ‘driving while texting’ debate will become ancient history as these phones free the driver to concentrate on the road, even while sending out and receiving messages with just a thought.”
There are already hundreds of thousands of useful and unique “apps” for the Q Phone. Besides the obvious GPS or reading apps, the new technology expands the possibilities, making this phone truly worthy of the name “genius”.
Expected to be among the more popular applications is the new Date Buddy. This completely free app will be your coach during those trying moments when you are trying to make time with that hot babe at work. Instead of the usual fumbling for the right words, the Date Buddy will automatically monitor the conversation and transmit witty sayings to the subscriber, guaranteeing that the target will be swept away by the users dashing and debonair manner.
For the user expecting to appear on “Jeopardy” the Q Phone has instant access to the entire Internet, discreetly and secretly. The Wikipedia app can bring the entire online encyclopedia to the tip of your tongue instantly guaranteeing that even the dullest user will appear intelligent and sophisticated.
“We’re expecting to be able to release these implantable phones before the second quarter of 2011. We’re still working out a few bugs with the implant technology. Right now it requires a visit to the doctor to have the devices properly implanted. We’re hoping that a self implantation kit will be feasible before the final version is released”, Dr. Stein reported.
There was no immediate comment from representatives of Google, makers of the Android platform; however, Steve Jobs was quoted as saying “This implantable phone is pirated from technology developed by Apple. The IPhone 5 was slated to be such a device. We intend to file a patent infringement suit in Superior Court next week.”
Dr. Stein laughed off Mr. Job’s comments, saying that he had been working on this sort of device for decades.
More information is available at http://www.geniusqphone.com
We at “Heard in the OR” will keep you posted as this story develops.
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